Ok, so I'm officially way too excited by this album...and this excitment is going to lead into a very special review. Because for the first time ever, I am going to give you lucky people a track by track review of an album. Not that I will include the Christmas bonus CD in that review, but we'll get to that later...
INTRO - Ok, see this is where the brilliance starts. You see an "Intro" is the kind of thing a proper serious album might have. So after less than 50 seconds, we are already into "anything better than Madonna's ever done" territory. Which is pretty cool is it not?
MODELS - The first proper song proves that the Girls are good, ahem, role models by advising young girls everywhere that there are some men out there who will, quite literally, fuck anything that's fit. And that's just not right. And they're saying, don't let them do it girls. So you see, not only are the Girls brilliant at pop music, they're looking after the kids. And remember folks, the kids are the future.
BIOLOGY - The finest pop single in ages. Yes, even better than Madonna's Hung Up. You see this is just too good for the record buying public to truly love. I mean this actually does away with having verses (which has only been the basis of music for about the last 50 years) and just plumps for having about four different choruses. Which is pretty bloody cool is it not?
WILD HORSES - Right, for a start let me just reiterate that this is the greatest pop song ever. Yes, even better than No Good Advice...even better than Wake Me Up....and YES, even better than The Show. Which really, makes it quite fan-fuckin-tastic doesn't it. I mean come on, what's not to like? It's even got "woo woo" noises in it. Which might just have given me a reason to live again. And it's got a very similar bass-line to Long Hot Summer, but it's better than that. So it's like they've admitted that LHS wasn't very good, so they thought they'd use the same tune again just to prove their pop genius. And also, you can't ignore the asbolutely GENIUS choir opening, which for just that slight moment makes you think you've bought an Aled Jones Christmas record or something.
SEE THE DAY - Well according to the inlay booklet, it seems like Paul Weller didn't write this, even though people still claim that he did. If he did, this is the best song he's ever done. This should be Christmas number one by a mile, although it won't be. It also seems like someone behind the scenes *louis walsh*COUGH* is trying to plant the seeds of a Nadine solo career with this track. But hey, I won't mind that will I? This is the best ballad they've done, which isn't saying much, but still...
WATCH ME GO - "I know what you're thinking, you've been thinking about my butt." Now how can you fail to love a song that ends with that line? And thats only one of two absurdly brilliant raps in this song. See if "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas was any good, it still wouldn't be as good as this. And if Nadine really was "was dressed in red, tied up to your bed" at quarter past two it really was remiss of her not to give me advanced warning. This reminds me of Ace Of Base, and they were bloody brilliant too.
WAITING - Now you see, Mc Fly and the Busted have made careers (or did make careers) out of ripping of 60's pop. So I suppose it's a good job that Busted have split up, because the Girls have gone and outdone them. McFly should be forced to listen to this and made to write "pop music should be fun" 100 times on the blackboard. This sounds as if it was writeen by the Kinks, which kinda proves just how kick ass this really is.
WHOLE LOTTA HISTORY - Someone needs to own up here. Because attempting to do a "Never Ever" was a very bad idea. I really cannot see how some people are raving over this track and saying it should have been the Christmas single this year. This is the one where I can press next track on my fancy musical player. Or take a piss break. Still, ballads have never been the girls strong point.
LONG HOT SUMMER - Ok so it's "shit", even though it's not "shit" at all. It's just merely quite good, which is a disappointment for a GA single I know. Still if the 411 or Pop or others of that ilk had done something half as good as this, they still might have careers. And in closing, if this track proves one thing, its that Nadine shouldn't try and rap.
SWINGING LONDON TOWN - Now we are back to the absolute genuis portion of the album. This is like The Chemical Brothers. Or, if you will, the Chemical Sisters. It's also got a bit of a riff that's blatantly nicked off something, but I can't quite remember what. It also rather brilliantly slows right down in the middle, like a proper song by some guitar band might do, before descending into a swirl of beeps and then smacking right back up to full tempo. Pop genius at work here folks.
IT'S MAGIC - This is the kind of song that would be the best song on a Sugababes album, but has to settle for being quite good in comparison to a lot of the album. They'll not be doing this one on the tour...
NO REGRETS - Sadly not a cover version of Robbie's best song, but this is a wonderfully shimmery ballad which the kids won't like, but will be the one that your mum goes "ooh, that's lovely. Katie Melua or Barbara Striesland could do that" when she overhears it in your car or something. It picks up brownie points for the completly out of tune pan-pipes (or whatever the hell they are) in the background.
RACY LACEY - This has to be one of the funniest songs ever. "She's got undulating, grundulating, grinding hips." "I know this girl who's not too bright, but she's good in bed alright." "A PHD with her legs apart." But what is GENIUS about this song is that it in NO WAY glamorises a promiscous lifestyle and it is in no way suggesting that the 10 year old girls listening should start a lifetime of one-night stands. There's a bit of the "Betty Boo" about this and in an absolutely BRILLIANT ending to the album, this song just stops dead, seemingly right in the middle of the song. I mean of course it doesn't stop in the middle of the song, it stops at the end, but it makes you think it's finished in the middle, which is just a stroke of pop genius yes?
CONCLUSION - So all in all, this is quite frankly one of the best pop albums EVER. No seriously, it is. If Madonna, Kylie, Gwen Stefani or someone like that did something this good, literally everyone in the world would love it and the NME would put it in their best albums list or something. But the way I see it is that those people who miss out on this because of some musical snobbery...well that's their problem. This is a pop album which is not afraid to be different and not afraid to shake of the shackles of predictabilty. You must buy this album, or eternal damnation awaits.
CHRISTMAS BONUS ALBUM - This, on the other hand, is pretty rubbish. But in "Not Tonight Santa" they do provide us with one Christmas song destined for classic status. Trust me.